My good friend has finally drawn back to the calling of God, to be a nun. For us Catholics, it is always good to find a time for discernment from time to time in our lives. So often we spend time in contemplating and planning for what we want in our career in certain frame of time, but sometimes we do not actually discern ourself for our vocation, or simply what we normally called as God's calling.
In general, vocation is a calling from God to live up our lives meaningfully. We have been created due to outpouring love of God. Simply, the question is how can we live up this meaning of LOVE. Three general vocations mentioned are to be called for consecrated life (priests or nuns or missionaries), to get married (one's hubby or darling) and to be single. We don't be what we are now by chance. As we move on with life, we will realise there seems to be checkpoints in our own timeline. Whenever we reach this checkpoint, we will start to decide which kind of life we want. Do I want to get married? Do I want to be single? What can I do to live up our life with purpose? Some people may choose to follow the stream or routine of their lives. At the end, you might be lost half way and realise this might not be what you like.
Making decision is not easy. It requires a lot sacrifices. It is time-consuming. Things doesn't come in just one spark of inspiration, okay, not always. You have to find, to discover and to reveal the secret one by one. To discern God's calling requires prayers and consistency. Something I realise is that to live in the Church is very important in order to know that. The ideologies generated by the society and the ease of living in routine life are just so powerful that you will slowly forget about your intention for discernment. It is important to live in the Church, as in to be active with the programmes or societies in the Church because you will be constantly rejuvenated with new ideas, inspirations and new perspectives that will make you grow in faith. The most important is that it helps you to journey into the very core of you, and find God in this secret garden and you will be able to talk to Him.
So now back to the question, my friend asked me if I have still have the ngiam to be a nun? What was I feeling or experiencing when I was so much drawn into this discernment exercise?
I have almost forgotten all these because I was so busy in work, so much busy in equipping myself for my work and so much people to entertain. My wants for money and power aren't any lesser also.
To help my friend, I have to dig through my memory...why was I so much moved by Spirit? Why was I the VERONICA before?
I told her...
God did speak to me from time to time, maybe not directly, but it gave me surprises that I know they were for me only. However, if girls are always attracted to beautiful things, I think God has moved me by making me attracted to myself. In prayers and sharing, I have learned that God sees me beautifully standing in front of Him and He is happy. He says that He will make beautiful things from me. He allowed me to see the beauty in others (they are as beautiful as me too), in everyone that He has loved and he wants me to continue to love and to share all his love with these people. God said all is good when he had created them, and all is really good and He never gives up on anyone. Then I feel SAD, because I could see some people in the world are feeling sad because they have no hope or they never have hope. I want to bring them this hope, I want to join others who are already bringing this hope to them. God is beautiful.
That was one of the vague parts that I could remember. I would try to recall them back. Hope that this sharing might help you too.
It was a year which started without a list of significant and strong resolutions actually. I was just following the flow. Underlying that, the desire to achieve my dream is stronger and stronger.
So in the previous story, I have come to tell that I was able to face the tiger. In the later end of the year, through the ups and downs, God has led me to see the tiger falling down, feeling hurt and cried. I was standing there, looking at this tiger, I know the wounds that I used to feel though it wasn't being told, was revealing. I did not know what to do. I did not know what my presence would do to him. I know I wanted to be there because this tiger is my friend, and I wanted to be his friend, just to be there for him so that despite all the hatred and sadness he had, he still had a friend, though might be silly but a real friend. I will hope that the story of this tiger would continue till I see him becoming what he is meant to be.
Life is pretty tough if I was to be alone only. God sent me friends along the way and most of them are angels to me. They helped me in building up the knowledge regarding my career. Chances were being given to me to explore more of the area of interest that I wanted to experiment myself. A good beginning and I shall see what I will end with.
Okay, a little bit of checked lists in 2016 that I can use to motivate myself in the next following years.
Stepped into SARAWAK and saw my friends whom I did not see for years
MULU national park with CAVEs. Cave craving satisfied, a way too satisfied.
Climbed Mount Kinabalu (Well, I didn't manage to try up the world highest Via Ferrata due to weather condition but it was a new experience with my friend. Who knows one day I will fatt choi and being granted this chance again, wink*)
Gotten a diving licence (When there is a will, there must a time arranged for it! I always remind myself not to miss this chance as I have already landed in a place blessed with beautiful islands and beaches)
Hiked to different hills, eg Bukit Gemok and Bukit Kinabutan
Wow-ed the tallest tropical tree in Tawau Hill Park before the one in Danum Valley took over the record lol
First 10km run
First time becoming a PSALMIST (Felt so happy to meet new bunch of youngsters in Christ and made me more youthful in spirit)
MUAY THAI - Need more passions to feed the training now
Stepped into Penang to motivate my friend and first trip with mother and cousin after so long
Getting a boyfriend? Wahahha, this was not in my wish list.
For those things not mentioned, this will remain hidden in my sweetest part of my memories.
For 2017, I wish everyone having good health and good meaningful life. KEKE
So long ago, actually not long ago, we were used to be quite good buddies. I used to like you too.
However, things passed, and everything changed. You ain't like what you used to be. Still, I have something that I want to say to you.
Not long ago, someone texted me, saying that he didn't know why but he would always pray for me since the first day we met. Jinx, I think I understand him, it used to be what I think about you. Of course, that's because I think I know you slightly better than him knowing me.
You know what, till now, I still think you are a truly NUT. Not because I was still a mad bull thinking that you don't appreciate me at all, but you are a NUT with the way you handle thing(s). You know what, I see you as a giant big courageous fighter, the one that will goes hard to change the wrong to the right, the one with upright spirit that will lead everyone forward together. However, when thing doesn't get in a way that you want it to be, you have chosen to be layback.
I know I won't be the one for you. I know I won't be the one to change you. However, trust me, you have been the one that I want to change the most. Like Panda Paul, I am just someone whose thinking is so straight to help you up, to help you to be the person that you are meant to be. I always want to touch your inner wounds and tell you that, it will be okay and you will get healed. Most importantly, I love you even though you got nothing left with you, even you fell like a mud. Every time I saw you, I had that impulse with me. The part that I wish to tell you and it is from our creator.
I never thought that a good person can be doing so many wrong things, well, for good reasons perhaps (irony). Maybe you are trying to prove to me things will never be the same. I would agree with you. Yes, things have gotten better. My life has been clearer after all. And I have learned if you do not know how to embrace the change with a positive mind, you ain't getting any further. Perhaps it is the same vortice that you are getting into. I hope that one day you will learn to be child-like, to accept things with love and hope.
I am still praying for you because I don't want you to be alone and I can see so much potentials in you. Oh yeah, still I think I win the battle between you and me, not because I like winning a game, because I win a chance to see what's really true and to know what I can do to you. As today, for whatever we are to each other now, I am still waiting to see the one who is really living up his life to the most.
I knew that there was a tiger in front, so I dig a hole and jumped into it. I thought my sky was clear as long as I could hide in it and I would be happy. The happiness didn't last long. The sky wasn't clear at all and it was getting smaller. When the desire to find a new life was getting stronger, I found a chance to jump out and that would mean, I have to fight with the tiger. Yes, I wanted to fight with the tiger and I did. I got hurt of course. There were so many uncertainties and "what ifs" back then. The battle scars were freshly buried on my skin . And at last, I saw the sky, and a rainbow as the sun rose through the rain that wet my face. I know this tiger was no longer my fear factor, it has become a chapter in my expedition book and I have come to know that I too, can be a fighter!