Anniversary for someone buried deep down in my memory

The Chor 3 last year, I decided to drive down to Hospital Termeloh, Pahang with the preparation for what the worst thing could happen in my mind. 

The Chor 4 last year, my auntie passed away in this hospital. All the crying, sobbing, mourning and weeping started around the bed of my auntie. Her fingers were cold and swollen. I held her hands, hoping that she could hold mine back. 

At that instant, it was as if the video of memory of her was playing backwardly and to watch that in mind was painful. The family could not accept the reality as it was too hard. Her youngest son, was so much in despair that he was literally throwing anger at doctors and also Jesus because his mother could not be saved. Too much for them and everyone of us moved on as if we were alright because what has already planned before the incident, eg the tertiary education, the works etc and I flew back the day after the funeral.

I thought everything would just pass calmly and I could surely handle the grief. However, everytime I saw an ESRF patient with oedematous condition plus on mechanical ventilation, all the flashes of what happened in Hospital Termeloh just flew back in. I started to think what if I ... Life sometimes push you to a point when you feel helpless but you have no one to blame but yourself. I blamed myself of not doing enough. I blamed myself because I let the time slipped over my fingers. I remembered well how good my auntie treated me and I remembered that I have not treated her well yet. It struck me badly.

This year Chor 1, her youngest son went stunned when he was asked if he knew his mother was not going to come back. He could not speak for a long while. It hurt me seeing him this way and I could not do anything but to hug him. My heart was as hurtful as his. It hurt me more when I realised that I did not lead him (he is intellectually slow) in this process of grief. He sub-consciously blocked and ignored the reality. 

To be continued.