Growing and glowing

Finally and recently, I have moved into my new house and I started my new hobby, gardening. It was started for decoration purpose but I am forced to keep those plants well. Slowly, I learn they grow slowly and I am really happy when the new leaf coming out. I talk to them when I touch and water them. I check if they are healthy and if they get enough sunlight. Each day, they grow taller and brighter.

Something that I really struggle a lot for many years in my life is my Faith. It's not that I asked a lot questions, I just stopped and look at it for many years. When I was younger, I searched, I grasped strongly and I proclaimed confidently. I tried to be a good christian. Then It stopped. I thought it was the intimacy with Him that I lost but how I lost Him since I knew he was so close to me always. I just didn't know what He wanted. 

Each day, there are so many decisions to be made. Big or small, managed by my default mode. It is the "I know" or "it must be that way" that pre-filled my mind during decision-making. I thought if things didn't turn out well, I would pass to Him for help. He would lead. I wasn't happy. 

I explored new things. I learned a lot. I wasn't happy because my Faith was static. Where is the THIRST that I use to have? I complained and I stopped. My best friend told me I must let go myself and I must discern and discern. There is a fear in me when I heard that. I thought it was because I was afraid that He told me what I have done all this while was wrong. Oh hey, those decisions I made weren't only affecting me but many people as well. Deep in my heart, I know it was more than that.  What did I fear of?

Till one day, when I asked Holy Spirit to pray together with me, I said "I surrender my day to you". Not because I failed in something, it was because I could finally give what I really have to Him. This is like a magical prayer because I can see my direction crystal clear. Was it my ego? I don't think so. I just didn't trust Him enough to let go and I didn't know that I don't trust Him enough. What was my fear? Sins maybe.

I came to a conversation when someone said prayer is only for emotional-soothing. Certainly but not when we prayed everyday, do I have to soothe my emotion everyday? I told him that I see my faith growing, it doesn't stop there anymore because I prayed to surrender my day to him. I never expected myself to one day surrender "I know" and "the way it is" to Him. It was so like those plants, faith will grow but it doesn't grow with more answers you found.

I dislike planting flowers despite loving flowers a lot. My favourite is orchid. However, seeing those flowers wilt made me feel uneasy. It was just like life. It blooms and dies. I forgot how beautiful it is. I dislike the wait because it takes months. However, the courage to continue to water and nourish those flower plants is not from the persistency that it will let me see the flowers bloom again, it was because I let go and just trust, solely trust. I am not alone when I trust. 

One day when I die, I will still have a lot of answers to be found. Are they important? Are they making my life more meaningful? No, in time like that I can only let go my past but I won't be lost because the destination is so clear.