Just a little update about myself
If you ask me about how well I had been a week ago, I would tell you, "not good.".
Indeed, many people asked me this during simple greetings, and I replied "I am okay.". I seriously felt that "I am not good". I knew I had been over worried for my exam result. And my justification on prediction that the result won't be good sounded so right.
After the exam, I went to Budapest with friends for few days, and had a good times with them. After that, I attended the induction week telling me how important my dissertation and project will be to get a good grade. Thing happened and my worries increased. I prayed that I would be strengthened, but deep in my heart, I knew that I was having extremely low self-esteem. I prayed for a hope, though I was carrying worries and negative thought.
Life carried on. I had a solo trip for 13 days to 6 cities, in Belgium and Germany. I went to the mass during the trip and each time, I was moved. I had venerated the Holy Blood of Christ. It is in a small vial. I had fulfilled my dream, to cycle while travelling. I had tried lots of good food, especially waffles and first class beer. And also beautifully painted artwork and magnificent architecture. I met my lovely German friend and she was so lovely. The short gathering with her has reminded of my ambition and my dream, the position that I want to be in. They were clouded by my confusion, my disappointment, my grief over things that I could not understand and they seem clearer after the short chatting in my favourite setting. Happy, and after that, I fell down on the ground and hit my face. It was so sudden and painful. I carried on my life, just like how I got up instantly from the ground, holding the trembling and tears, and moved on. In Berlin, I visited to Sachsenhausen Concentration Camp and heard the story about Berlin Wall. I observed how evil of power, racism and most of all, ignorance have lead those victims to inhuman and miserable treatment. And I was amazed by how German deals with their painful history.
I had a lot of reflections during my last solo trip but I wasn't expecting this to be the same as last. I carried my fear and nervous, I carried my imagination but I realised what I need to do is, to live in the presence. Everything that passed by me, may only pass for just once, with no return.
The fall reminded me several things as well. I might have been numb because of my worries. When pain from the wound was talking, it reminded how I was being loved, especially by my family, my friends and others. The fall reminded me of no matter how I fall, how pain and how immobility I am, I must move on, and it seemed like telling me, "GROW UP".
Loneliness. A feeling that will bring someone down in whatever way. Loneliness arose because of impatience and running away from reality. However, is companion is all I wanted? I can tell you, NO. My loneliness was not because I was alone. It was because I was too demanding, in a 'friendship'.
I reached London. 13 days are not long, but people changed.
Friday. First station of the cross, Jesus is condemned to death. At that time I was looking at Jesus, Jesus look through my eyes, he knew that I was asking him," do you understand my problem and my incapability? Do you know that how worn-out I am?" And I heard, "is my suffering enough for you?" In my heart, I said, "not enough." And he followed by saying, "then I will suffer more for you.
Now I realise, my dissatisfaction! My dissatisfaction towards what I have got because I only focussed on what I haven't got. I had been so demanding to say that his sacrifices weren't enough though I didn't know what I wanted. My dissatisfaction because I had a very good and comfortable life, and was I aiming for impossible glory? Why I could be so careless towards someone who used his wound to tell me that he. loves. me? I always asked God to look at me, asked him how about me, but if I ever asked God, how about him, also asked Him to tell me more, how to love him, perhaps.
"Enough." I said. Maybe a lot more than enough.
"Veronica, are you okay?" My friend asked.
"I am okay." ,smiled back.
"You look very happy."She followed.
"She has found way to deal with it.",Sister said.
"Hehe."
Yes, because my dissatisfaction is not filled by material, fame or even money, it is filled by flame of LOVE. A love that I can listen, see, and taste. And now when I look at Jesus, he seems like someone I don't know, but I would start again to know him, to find and to encounter him, and I know that at some point, I could be lost again. However, at some point, He is still reaching his hands to me and I will hear it so clear that I have not ever been, that He loves me, because he gives me life because he loves me.
I am writing this down to remember of my lost, my struggling and the negative thought and feeling that I have been through. There are a lot things couldn't be explained by using words or from mouth. Maybe there is a norm that Christians like to say how good their God is and sometimes, it could be sound like, "oh, freak, is it true?" Sometimes when we are down and we still praise God, not because we are fake or we have to, but simply because in prayer, we have the faith as He himself has shown faith in his suffering.
Indeed, many people asked me this during simple greetings, and I replied "I am okay.". I seriously felt that "I am not good". I knew I had been over worried for my exam result. And my justification on prediction that the result won't be good sounded so right.
After the exam, I went to Budapest with friends for few days, and had a good times with them. After that, I attended the induction week telling me how important my dissertation and project will be to get a good grade. Thing happened and my worries increased. I prayed that I would be strengthened, but deep in my heart, I knew that I was having extremely low self-esteem. I prayed for a hope, though I was carrying worries and negative thought.
Life carried on. I had a solo trip for 13 days to 6 cities, in Belgium and Germany. I went to the mass during the trip and each time, I was moved. I had venerated the Holy Blood of Christ. It is in a small vial. I had fulfilled my dream, to cycle while travelling. I had tried lots of good food, especially waffles and first class beer. And also beautifully painted artwork and magnificent architecture. I met my lovely German friend and she was so lovely. The short gathering with her has reminded of my ambition and my dream, the position that I want to be in. They were clouded by my confusion, my disappointment, my grief over things that I could not understand and they seem clearer after the short chatting in my favourite setting. Happy, and after that, I fell down on the ground and hit my face. It was so sudden and painful. I carried on my life, just like how I got up instantly from the ground, holding the trembling and tears, and moved on. In Berlin, I visited to Sachsenhausen Concentration Camp and heard the story about Berlin Wall. I observed how evil of power, racism and most of all, ignorance have lead those victims to inhuman and miserable treatment. And I was amazed by how German deals with their painful history.
I had a lot of reflections during my last solo trip but I wasn't expecting this to be the same as last. I carried my fear and nervous, I carried my imagination but I realised what I need to do is, to live in the presence. Everything that passed by me, may only pass for just once, with no return.
The fall reminded me several things as well. I might have been numb because of my worries. When pain from the wound was talking, it reminded how I was being loved, especially by my family, my friends and others. The fall reminded me of no matter how I fall, how pain and how immobility I am, I must move on, and it seemed like telling me, "GROW UP".
Loneliness. A feeling that will bring someone down in whatever way. Loneliness arose because of impatience and running away from reality. However, is companion is all I wanted? I can tell you, NO. My loneliness was not because I was alone. It was because I was too demanding, in a 'friendship'.
I reached London. 13 days are not long, but people changed.
Friday. First station of the cross, Jesus is condemned to death. At that time I was looking at Jesus, Jesus look through my eyes, he knew that I was asking him," do you understand my problem and my incapability? Do you know that how worn-out I am?" And I heard, "is my suffering enough for you?" In my heart, I said, "not enough." And he followed by saying, "then I will suffer more for you.
Now I realise, my dissatisfaction! My dissatisfaction towards what I have got because I only focussed on what I haven't got. I had been so demanding to say that his sacrifices weren't enough though I didn't know what I wanted. My dissatisfaction because I had a very good and comfortable life, and was I aiming for impossible glory? Why I could be so careless towards someone who used his wound to tell me that he. loves. me? I always asked God to look at me, asked him how about me, but if I ever asked God, how about him, also asked Him to tell me more, how to love him, perhaps.
"Enough." I said. Maybe a lot more than enough.
"Veronica, are you okay?" My friend asked.
"I am okay." ,smiled back.
"You look very happy."She followed.
"She has found way to deal with it.",Sister said.
"Hehe."
Yes, because my dissatisfaction is not filled by material, fame or even money, it is filled by flame of LOVE. A love that I can listen, see, and taste. And now when I look at Jesus, he seems like someone I don't know, but I would start again to know him, to find and to encounter him, and I know that at some point, I could be lost again. However, at some point, He is still reaching his hands to me and I will hear it so clear that I have not ever been, that He loves me, because he gives me life because he loves me.
I am writing this down to remember of my lost, my struggling and the negative thought and feeling that I have been through. There are a lot things couldn't be explained by using words or from mouth. Maybe there is a norm that Christians like to say how good their God is and sometimes, it could be sound like, "oh, freak, is it true?" Sometimes when we are down and we still praise God, not because we are fake or we have to, but simply because in prayer, we have the faith as He himself has shown faith in his suffering.
Veronica, are you okay? Haha
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