If you are interested in a conversation

After my exam, exhaustion hit it. I know it's my last year of study, excuse me, it is now less than a year. I should be working hard and pushing myself towards it. My thought is always so ideal but the reality tells me another thing. I am always struggling to be more discipline, but I am doing this at the same time of shutting other things down, especially my social circle and it involves JESUS. Or maybe, my inner circle because it is where Jesus sits in as well. So, at the end, I am LOST.

Instead of mumbling in this blog about my life, I would like to write down my prayer here. I know I should have prayed this in the corner of my enclosed room, but please excuse me this time to make a public prayer.

Oh God,
You know better than I do how I come to this stage of life, this state of worry.
You know I want to do more for you, yeah, sometimes I was doing it, but why was I feeling so annoyed when I was doing it? It wasn't because of you, it wasn't because of others, but the problem was with me, I knew but I couldn't help.
I tried to complain, it didn't help.
I tried to continue my work, but it didn't sustain.
I tried to break down, but the hope in my heart is stirring me up.
I chose to sedate myself, yet you told me not to waste my time.
So God, I want to TALK to you now. I am not angry at you, but I would like to ask you to offer me slightly more help.
Perhaps God, when I tried to take control of my life, you didn't stop me but haiz, you knew that I am going to mess it around. I don't know how to tidy up my feeling, my emotion and my thought now.
Just because you hold my heartbeat, you know my desire better than I am. You asked me to be patient, even when I saw the chances seemingly near to me. I asked you to talk to me, but I didn't give you enough time for myself to listen to you, and I forgot you said BE PATIENT, BE STILL.
So father told me that it is when the faith will work, but where is my faith? My faith, how strong are you?
But now, as I write along, I think I can listen to you now...... When I was young, I used to think that as long as the desire doesn't do any harm, I should go for it. But I never think of discerning my desire, is it from God or from me? If it is from God, how can I PURSUE it? If it is from me, how can I CONTROL it? Have I ever tried to use my wisdom, my prayers and your help whenever there was a dream or desire? Comparing St. Paul's conversion and mine, did I renew myself everyday in Christ Jesus? I have been baptised in Jesus, I have renewed my life in the name of Jesus, my focus should be on JESUS. I should be converted again and again, to be more mature, to grow in faith. Why LOST? No way, I have you. Nevermind how the strong wind and waves are striking on my boat now, my faith should be strong to go through that. Yeah, we are not called to be successful, but to be faithful.
So God......."YES~" yeah God, let me hear your YES whenever I call for your help. That's enough. Because you are with me, that's really enough.

Pen down, continue my work. God.....