The mourning November

As the Church designates the whole November as the month of remembrance of those who have passed before us, there's a specific person that I would like to remember in this post, my uncle (the eldest brother of my mother). 

When I was staying together with my grandparents, there's a mysterious man who would walk in and out of his room quietly then went out in his superbike. I used to look up to his bike and thinking that one day when I could ride on his motorbike, that's the day I'm the coolest girl in the world. Could not wait for the day to come, I climbed up to his motorbike and pretended that I was riding the motorbike fast (the bike remained static). Yes, he was very quiet and always tried to render himself invisible to others. He was so distant that I had to muster up courage to greet him (Chinese mannerism to greet the elders) everytime I saw him. I saw greeting him as a challenge to myself till to the day he passed. 

My grandmother used to tell me that she worried for my uncle because he was unmarried. She asked me to pray for him. As little as I was but not my curiosity, I always felt interested to know my uncle's love story. I asked my mother how he was like when they were young, she told me that my uncle used to be very smart but became very quiet after he was 12. He seeemed to speak more with his friends. My grandmother was the one who talked to him the most. Unable to pry any information, the memory of him is fast-forwareded till the day my grandmother passed away. 

I still remember the day when one my closest role models in my childhood passed away, this uncle of mine suddenly spoke more than the sum of the words I heard from him in my lifetime. He said,"I no longer has mother". That was actually the first time i felt like he is my human uncle. The one who had feeling too. Okay, I got admit that his topics sounded weird but his attempt to talk with us sounded louder that time. I thought that could be a moment of change. 

Once we were surprised to find that he actually could sing quite well in a dinner event. Another time was he was invited to the same wedding dinner of which I would be attending. He got his own social circle but just not with his family members. I think the last event we had him was my wedding luncheon. 

Not only he was always distant but he was even more distant from his Faith. Everytime I look at him, the worries that my grandmother once mentioned resounded in my mind. When he was on his way to become a hoarder, I just stepped in and threw whatever expired and trash-look in the common place (my mother enjoyed this the most because nobody dared to scold a young girl who came so far away to clean their mess, at least not in front of me). I wanted to do more and I now regret that I chose to ignore. As I grew up, my experience filled me with the fact that adults could be so lost in their lives. He was lost, he was searching for the meaning of life as he had to to continue living. He was searching for approval, a listener to start with, perhaps. None of us was ready for him. My younger uncle once told me that this eldest uncle used to have someone he admired but he got rejected. Thinking back, the love story that I once tried to pry for was not important, it was the love story with the One that he has disconnected with that I should attend to. He almost created a drama that caused my mum in real anger with him but that was such a momentary grasp of emotional connection we had with him. 

One day, it was odd as he suddenly asked if I wanted to drink anything and he would go out to buy takeaway for me. I could recall what my mother told me regarding this, "he has never offered this to me!". He wanted to ask something but there's not much chance for him to do it. That's the first and last offer from him and trust me, I would do even more for him if I knew. I could only guess it now based on what he left after he passed away. 

My father called me and told me that my uncle has passed when I was at work. It was so sudden. He just collapsed and died. The first thing that came to mind was "he has nobody" and I must go back. Guess what, he had a lot of friends who came to pay the last respect. Still, how much I wish there's a proper reconciliation done and goodbye said.

I handed him a cup of tea during the Tea Ceremony of my wedding

I'm writing this to remember him. I wanted to remember how little I could actually do for him but I could do it with great love. I want to write this down so that I would remember to pray for him.

O merciful God, take pity on those souls who have no particular friends and intercessors

to recommend them to Thee, who, either through the negligence of those who are alive,

or through the length of time are forgotten by their friends and by all.

Spare them, O Lord, and remember Thine own mercy, when others forget to appeal to it.

Let not the souls which Thou hast created be parted from thee, their Creator.

May the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace.

Amen.